Scrisoare catre tata || Letter to my father

V-am spus odata pe Facebook sa nu va maritati cu barbatul de langa voi decat daca sunteti convinse ca intr-o zi el va deveni un tata bun si responsabil pentru copilul vostru. Desigur, nu exista garantii. Astazi, el poate sa para indragostit si nebun dupa tine, iar maine va iesi pe usa cu nonsalanta. Iar tu te vei intreba unde ai gresit. Copilul pe care asa-zisa voastra dragoste l-a lasat in urma va zace confuz printre tainele vietii si va suspina uneori, asa cum face si astazi, intr-o zi mohorata pe care doar bratele tale, tata, ar putea-o insenina.

Nu-ti reprosez nimic. Nici n-am vrut sa contabilizez, dar recunosc ca n-am putut sa nu ma gandesc ca, daca ai fi fost langa mine, as fi zambit de cel putin 9855 de ori in plus. Pentru ca atatea zile am stat fara tine, tata. As fi zambit de fiecare data cand m-ai fi sarutat pe frunte. As fi plans de fiecare data cand m-ai fi certat. As fi ras la fiecare gluma a ta si m-as fi urcat in spatele tau. As fi crescut langa tine si ne-am fi comparat inaltimile in fata oglinzii. Dac-as fi putut si-as fi stiut, nu te-as fi lasat de mana niciodata. Te-as fi tinut langa mine cu forta pana m-ai fi iubit. Pentru ca m-ai fi iubit, daca ai fi avut rabdare sa cresc putin. Acel ghemotoc sau acel ghimpe, cum a fost pentru tine, s-a transformat foarte rapid intr-o fetita. Si-apoi intr-o femeie de care mama este astazi tare mandra. Poate te-as fi incurcat cu scutece si alte cheltuieli vreun an, doi, dar apoi te-as fi ocrotit o viata. Ai ales insa sa abandonezi lupta de la inceput. M-ai vazut ca pe un inamic in calea ta, in loc sa intelegi ca eu, tu si mama am fi format o echipa grozava.

Si, stii ce? Mi-ai dat putere. Mi-ai dat putere sa devin femeia care sunt astazi. Nu-ti reprosez nimic, dar vreau sa-ti spun ca-n sufletul meu exista si-astazi o rana pe care, atunci cand sangereaza tare, o mai pansez cu cate-un „cum ar fi fost daca …”

EN

I once told you on Facebook not to marry a man unless you are sure that he could become a great father for your children. Of course, there are no guarantees. Today, he might seem in love and caring, but tomorrow he could leave with nonchalance. And you will ask yourself what you have done wrong. The child that your so-called love has born will be left confused and will face the uncertainties of life alone. Well, sometimes that child will sigh, just like I did today, in a cloudy day that only my father’s hug could brighten. 

I’m not complaining, father. However, I couldn’t help but count the days since you left me. 9855. If you would have been here, father, I would have smiled 9855 times more in these years. I would have smiled each time you would kiss me on the forehead. I would have cried each time we would argue. I would have laughed each time you would tell me a joke. We would lie in front of the mirror and compare our heights. If I could and I knew, I would have never let your hand. I would have forced you to stay with me until you would have loved me. If only you had patience … that ‘spike’ grew very fast and became a little girl, then a grown-up woman. You know what, Mother is very proud of me today. Maybe I would have caused problems a year or two (I know diapers aren’t cheap), but then I would have loved you and protect you a lifetime. You saw me as an enemy. And didn’t understand anything. You didn’t understand that you, Mom and I would have formed the greatest team ever. 

Anyway … thank you for giving me strength. Because I’ve been strong enough to become the woman I am today. I’m not complaining, father, but I’m telling you that I have a wound in my soul. Whenever it bleeds, I try to replace bandages with beautiful dreams … like how wonderful life would have been if we were together … 

Photo: www.art-dept.com